when a midget speaks....

Air or Death

I hate my breathing treatments. They increase the heart rate similar to an aerobic exercise physically exhausting the body. Plus they give me the munchies. The catch, they keep me alive by opening my lungs therefore allowing my body to receive oxygen. When my oxygen levels drop, so does my energy and my ability to do mundane tasks such as walking, thinking or keeping steady hands.

Now imagine how you would feel watching your child, parent, or spouse struggle to breathe because they live with asthma. It’s such a common disease that people don’t think about it. You take medication or  use an inhaler when needed. No big deal, it ain’t gonna kill you. The truth though:  it can kill you and it often does.

With each asthma attack, I worry I won’t survive it. I need rest after the treatments but fear I may not wake up. I can feel myself get weaker and weaker with each attack. It worsens my depression and increases the stress my husband is under.

I know I’m dying; I can feel it through the pain. My lungs are being crushed by my boobs; yet the operation I need, no doctor will do. Zqueakz’s entire character is built around what’s killing me. And as much as I don’t want to die, I don’t want to lose the thing that has given me fans.

27.01.2012 Zqueakz Speakz No Comments

Why Can’t I Say the Truth

Most Universal Lies

Most Universal Lies

Like most people nowadays, I spend a lot of time on Facebook. In fact, it is always open on my computer. I like, I share, I comment, I am a Facebook addict. Today though, I saw a picture from a friend (a real person I actually know) and I clicked like; I went to comment, I stopped mid-typing and deleted it. I am an adult. I have gay relatives, several gay relatives. I am a gay-rights supporter. Yet, the one thing that I cannot say out loud — I’m gay.

I always have been. Technically, most would say I’m a bi-sexual because I like both men and women and that is a fine title for some. I have never enjoyed being referred to as a lesbian, dyke, or bi. I prefer to be called gay, I like women in addition to men.

Growing up, my family tried very hard to hide that my uncle was gay. I was 11 maybe 13 when my mother finally told me. He had come into town with his partner. My family just said he was with his friend and that I couldn’t see him. I was heart-broken and asked my mom why. She said my dad’s side of the family didn’t think I was ready yet. She then told me the truth, what the other side didn’t want me to know. He was Gay, his friend was really his lover.

By that point, I had long since known I was different. I liked looking at girls and thought about them in the same manner I thought about the boys in my school. I thought there was something wrong with me. Only two of my friends knew. Not even the good friend I had a crush on knew and still to this day doesn’t.

By high school I had succumbed to the fact I was gay. I openly dated and slept with boys, and secretly did the same with girls. My brothers are, to me, the best part of my family, they knew and constantly told my mom I was gay. She would ask and I would deny. When MySpace became popular, I had already graduated college and moved away so I selected my interests as men and women. My mother still didn’t say anything. To this day, I still cannot bring myself to tell my mother I’m gay. She knows as she always had.

I openly speak out on Facebook about gay rights, never actually saying I’m gay myself. All my friends know and don’t care. I told my gay uncle when I was in college but not my parents. If they were to ask today, I would probably attempt to change the subject.

Number four on the list, she’s just a friend, I have said over and over to myself and my family. It was never true. If she was just a friend, I had wanted more.

25.01.2012 Zqueakz Speakz No Comments

A Little Bit Fat

Headline reads Ohio Third-Grader Weighing 200 Pounds Placed in Foster Care. Does anybody else find that disturbing? They laid claim that the mother was neglectful because her son was fat. That is really what this comes down to: a child is too fat so the mother must not be taking proper care of him.

I am quite proud to say I am friends with Billy the Fridge, a 500-pound man. He grew up similarly heavy and comes from a long line of heavies. He is healthy – no imminent health risks. He is happy and he grew up similar to this little boy:  a fat kid in a world of skinny bitches. He turned out just fine.

There are serious mental issues the state is most likely causing by keeping this child from his mother. They allow them TWO hours a week for visitation. This little boy is 8 years old. He can’t fend for himself, he needs his mother, and he will spend at LEAST one more month in foster care until his court hearing.

I am heavy, I know it, I don’t try to hide it. Believe me dieting and losing weight is not a simple matter that will happen overnight. It takes time and patience and commitment. None of which I ever have. I can’t imagine how hard losing weight is to a little kid. His mother can only do her best; she cannot force him to exercise or not to sneak sweets. He’s 8 - what does the state expect from her? If he is losing a little weight every month then he’s winning the battle. The war of weight loss consists of a million battles. Every time you open a cupboard or fridge, you are tempted. Hell, flavored toothpaste tastes like candy when you have deprived your body from what it is used to.

From the articles I have seen, this little boy may not be the last child stripped from the protection and safety of his/her parent’s loving arms.

01.12.2011 Stupid People No Comments

Alyssa Bereznak

I have read three extremely different articles on the same topic: The **** of the Year, Alyssa Bereznak. As all of geekdom knows, this woman has slandered the name and reputation of one of our 1337ests, a God of Nerds, Jon Finkel.

I will from here on call her: The Mantis, because female Praying Mantises eat the males after mating with them and sometimes during procreation. According to the original article The Mantis wrote, she drunkenly created an OKCupid profile. She makes her drinking problem pretty apparent when she states that she continued using the profile after having created it. I have used online dating sites, mostly to find easy sex without having to leave the comfort and dark of my living room; and as The Mantis does state, a woman can get bombarded with distasteful messages from the bottom-of-the-barrel men. I can also attest to having found bad hook-ups resulting in stalkers, emotionally challenged, and dangerous men. It happens, I don’t intentionally bash on them nor would I joke about my bad hook-ups with my husband and friends, yes.

The Mantis however, trashes on Jon making fun of an incredibly difficult-to-master hobby. I know many people who play Magic: The Gathering. They all have extremely high IQs but little to no people skills; and more often than not, too little common sense to know the difference. The Mantis admits she knows nothing about the game and even says, “Eventually, I even felt a little bit bad that I didn’t know shit about the game.” If she didn’t want to hear him talk about Magic, why didn’t she change the subject? She egged him on, and then ridiculed him for it. This man is worth Millions, he’s famous, worshipped by some, and incredibly good looking. MTG is seriously a problem? Come on, Jon is worth so much more than her measly opinion.

Have you looked her up? She is fugly! She is nothing more than a pee-on intern. She is a NOBODY!!!!!  I don’t even understand how she justifies this comparison: “Just like you’re obligated to mention you’re divorced or have a kid in your online profile, shouldn’t someone also be required to disclose any indisputably geeky world championship title?s” It’s like saying, “I was forced to disclose I have this miniature thingy called a child; so you should have to disclose that your shit makes the bathroom stink.” Being a world champion of anything is nothing to be humble about; but he in fact, was humble and didn’t brag that he was the best in the whole entire world at something. The Mantis, on the other hand, is screaming from the rooftop her new world champion title: The Mantis.

She speaks of him as though he is a predator, trying to harm women. “I was lured on a date thinking I’d met a normal finance guy, only to realise he was a champion dweeb in hedge funder’s clothing.” Notice the use of the word “lured.” It’s written similar to the police use: he lured the 6-year-old into his car and raped her. The Mantis then proceeds, “Mothers, warn your daughters! This could happen to you.” Yes, it could happen to you – a good looking, intelligent, wealthy man could be interested in going on a second date with your daughter. Be scared, Jon is every mother’s nightmare. LMFAO!

The third article I read was from Forbes; and to be summed up, the writer said The Mantis was willing to sell her respectability as human filth just to make money. So it’s sad but true, everyone is talking about her, calling her names, reading her article, tweeting about her, blah blah blah. She is laughing at all of us, followers of the Geekdom, straight to the bank.

31.08.2011 Zqueakz Speakz No Comments

Teen Killer’s Dad Says Halo 3 Is To Blame

I just read an article that states a “Pastor” is blaming HALO 3 for his son using the pastor’s handgun to kill his mother and injure his father.

I understand that addiction is a serious problem; however, the correct definition of a real addiction is a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal. Addiction doesn’t necessarily come in the form of a substance, gambling for example. If a child is playing video games to the point that they have violent withdrawal symptoms; that is not the game’s fault. A child needs stimulation in a variety of forms. Yes, video games can be a very helpful tool for a child to learn hand-eye coordination, problem-solving skills, and leadership.

If someone became a problematic gambler, it’s not the bookie’s fault. There are always underlying problems beneath the addiction.

In the game of Halo, you play as a soldier combating alien bad guys. For those who didn’t understand what I just said:  YOU PLAY THE GOOD GUY. So no matter how much of the game you play, you are still the good guy. How do you go from playing the Hero in a game to shooting your mother? You don’t.  This “Pastor” is hiding something and trying to put blame somewhere because he can’t handle the truth that his son had some serious problems.

Why did this boy, who clearly had a few screws loose, have access to the “family” gun?

Most importantly, why don’t parents teach children the difference between reality and make-believe? Leonardo DiCaprio died in the movie Titanic, and then went on to act in several other films. I certainly wouldn’t tell a child that because this actor died in one movie that he is dead forever.

Why can’t parents just admit they screw up?

22.07.2011 Stupid People No Comments

The Alone Feeling

Ever get the feeling that you’re the only person in the world who cares about you? Doesn’t matter what triggers the feeling, hell, most of the time it doesn’t even matter how many people are with you every day. Once the feeling starts, it grows, and grows, until it literally starts to consume your thoughts. That’s when most people start considering Suicide. They feel nobody wants me; nobody needs me, if I’m dead who will be there to miss me.

I get like that more often than I’d like. I’ve had the same lonely feeling for over a week now. Sometimes it will last for months; sometimes only a couple of weeks or a just few days. I’m a very sexual person, sex for me is like a drug, the more I have, the happier and healthier I feel. Today, it has been exactly two weeks since my husband touched me last. Although I can seek outside our marriage any time I want. I feel guilty about going elsewhere when I want it from home. I get scared to ask for it because if I do too often; I annoy him.

I have a good friend who is also an amazing lover; I could ask him because he would say yes. Yet, I’m embarrassed to be seen by him. He likes skinny girls, I’m fluffy. I have written the same text over and over again asking him to come over on his lunch break; I delete it every time.

I would have to tell The Client why I asked him over and he always says we can have sex. I wait patiently more often than not for several more days. Guys used to drool over me; I was fairly good looking when I was young. The closer I get to 30, the older I look, the worse I feel about myself.

In my youth I slept around. I could have several boyfriends and although the guys didn’t like it they would hang out together and act like friends. Simply, because I was good looking and an amazing lover. Before getting married, I had amassed nearly 100 partners maybe more. I stopped keeping track after 20, there was no point. In college I would sometimes enjoy 10 people in one week.

There were the FEW exceptions; the boyfriends I never cheated on. Either because I wanted things to work so badly, I drove them to dump me or because they made it too hard to find private time.

This alone feeling is only made worse when the very sound of your voice annoys people. You feel not only insecure but also as a burden on others. I think I sound very deep and monotone when speaking (not recorded or over the radio) to other people I am high pitched. If you listen to mine and Booster0′s Show N.E.R.D you know what I’m talking about. Imagine having to hear that all day every day.

You would be annoyed having me around as well. The feeling of being alone slowly gets worse turning into depression, and then I get sick. When I get sick, there isn’t anything technically wrong with me, I become tired all the time, stomach hurts, I get constipated or the opposite. Yes, I just talked about POOP. I hurt, I mean pain all over, intense pain just being touched, hugged, or anything is excruciating. I fill up on pop, sweets, and sunflower seeds (comfort foods).

This lasts until, well, I get laid again. Unfortunately, by this time, sex hurts. It is a horrible cycle. I have an amazing husband, don’t get me wrong. I love him incredibly; I can’t believe how lucky I am. I have a great life; the depression just won’t let me enjoy it.

I take pills, go to therapy, do my best to drop weight and keep my sugar levels up. I have dealt with depression my entire life. I first remember the depression in third grade. It’s a long time to feel like this. I have good days and bad elated days and don’t Fuck with me days.

The extreme levels I go through and how fast they can change, got me diagnosed as a Bi-polar Manic Depressive. It basically means I spend more time on the low end of the emotion scale than the high end. Regardless, of your feelings on mental disorders, I will save this rant for a different post.

20.07.2011 Zqueakz Speakz No Comments

Post about Not Posting

So as you may have noticed, I have not blogged in a while. Why? Well it is very quite simple, I have had nothing to blog about. Seem odd? Yes, it is however, due to unpredictable family drama with my in-laws, I have been preoccupied. So what am I gonna talk about today? I have no fucking idea! What do you want to talk about? I find it rather ironic that I am currently carrying on a conversation about nothing with no one. This would probably be disturbing if this didn’t happen as often as it actually does. I don’t like people, I don’t  make friends easily, and meeting new people requires Valium. In fact, I have a huge fear of meeting people. So much so, that I would rather play video games than talk to real people. Hell, in my games my characters ain’t even that social. Of course though my favorite games are non social games like the Sims, currently I am playing the Sims 3, its pretty cool as long as I can cheat. But my favorite part of the game is all the ways you can kill people, pick up their graves and carry them with you, take them to the cemetery, or leave them on your lot either inside or out. Then you can engrave whatever you want on it. My favorite saying, “Fuck you, Bitch.” Yes, I am a fowl mouthed little person scared of other people who enjoys creating sim characters just to kill them. Or to screw other sims that I have created to look like people I will never get to screw in real life. (YTCracker)

So lets move on to why I hate, dislike, fear, and rebel against other people. I am not very likable, plain and simple. I am short 4 foot 10 and 3/4 inches. I am fat 181 pounds. Yes, I have a huge rack 42H, but that is the only nice feature about me. My hair is frizzy curly, cheeks too red, scars and acne. In general, just low self esteem. No one else’s fault but my own. I get paranoid around people I don’t know, the typical paranoid thoughts, they’re making fun of how I look, they’re skinny and probably embarrassed to be near me, my shirt is too tight my fat is showing too much. Fuck, I get so paranoid that I am terrified of taking my shirt off when sleeping with a new lover. Could just be the moped fear but I can’t shake it.

I seem to be my biggest critic, my biggest “hater,” suicide has always been my greatest fantasy. They put me on anti psychotics, anti depressants, and counseling. Yay! Blah. So because I stay doped up on “happy” pills my suicidal thoughts are limited; mostly now, my daydreams have been replaced with sexual fantasies of umm, lets not go there.

I already have an overly high sex drive, but my pills make me hornier. To the point, that I am never satisfied. Fucking, Orgasms, messing around, nothing works not even getting whoever I’m sleeping with off. It kinda sucks. But makes threesomes and orgies a lot of fun.

Speaking of which, I need another three-sum. I haven’t had one in what seems like forever, maybe I can talk my old man into one. Hmmm. More thoughts. Never stopping thoughts. Listening to a one sided recording of The Joystick Show. Talking about MMA. I love MMA, something about the violence of it. I don’t know what it is I have this fetish for violence. I have always been attracted to the Bondage life style. I don’t have the pain threshold for it. It makes me sad. But the thought and fantasy of watching a person being beat or tortured I find erotic. I’m strange, I know.

So what was started as an apology to not blogging in a few weeks has turned into another one sided discussion about my sick sexual fantasies.

09.07.2011 Zqueakz Speakz No Comments

The Voice – The Results Show

Nakia and Vicci Martinez
Cee Lo you are Vicci’s coach, shouldn’t you have noticed in rehearsals that the drums would hurt her performance. Thank you America for knowing talent doesn’t depend on the instruments.

Cee Lo Green
You are funny looking. The toupee didn’t help you, but made it so I couldn’t pay attention to your song, it was distracting and hideous.

Casey Weston and Javier Colon
Adam Levine made a good decision by wanting to push Javier through. But, then again, I really just don’t like you, Casey.

Dia Frampton and Xenia
What a close vote. I almost had to close my eyes I was so nervous. I can’t believe there were only 12 points between the two of you. Xenia is amazing, however, Dia is more seasoned. I believe Blake Shelton will be coaching the two of them long after The Voice ends. I am sure he will push their careers forward and help them learn the ropes in the music industry.

Frenchie Davis and Beverly McClellan
By far, Frenchie’s performance Tuesday night was far better than Beverly’s. Beverly will do amazing in the Finals, I have no doubt. But, I must say, I cannot believe Frenchie got kicked off American Idol because of her weight. I hope making it this far on The Voice will show the record companies you don’t have to be skinny for people to love you.

Ladies and gentlemen, contestants of The Voice, 1337ology will play you, if you want a special home for your music!

23.06.2011 The Voice No Comments

The Voice Semi-Finals

Team Cee Lo
Thank you America!! The Client was so happy when you picked Vicci Martinez, he jumped his crippled ass out of his chair cheering. I think Nakia is talented, however, Curtis Grimes would have been the better choice.

Team Adam
So happy Javier Colon was saved but Adam, WTF? Casey Weston? Really? Jeff Jenkins is so much more talented!! Hell, the adorable little Doogie Howser look-alike (Devon Barley) is way more talented than her. Was she that good in bed or did you just get high before the show?

I love Madonna’s Like A Prayer and Frenchie Davis did an amazing performance. I don’t think the dancers were really necessary; but WOW, you were awesome.

I felt Adam Lambert’s Whataya Want From Me was not a good song for Nakia; but then, I also wish he hadn’t progressed this far into the show.

Dia Frampton’s performance of REM’s Losing My Religion was perfect. She just killed it. I am just so worried she wont make it to the Finals.

Seriously, Casey? Please do not EVER let a Dolly Parton song escape your lips again! And your outfit! Cowboy boots with that pretty, elegant dress? You are not Dolly, you do not look like Dolly, please don’t try to dress like her. I Will Always Love You is supposed to have oomph! You don’t have oomph; fuck, you barely have blah. I think poor Adam is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease or he’s got better drugs than me.

What is up with all of the pianos? Beverly McClellan’s performance of B.B. King’s The Thrill Is Gone was perfect and awesome and amazing as usual, pianos just give me the heebie-jeebies!

Javier is so sexy. I’ve never heard Coldplay’s Fix You before, but you sang it so well. You are super talented and sexy.

Xenia, I am so glad to see you are coming out of your shell. I cannot believe you even stepped away from the mic stand. I don’t know if The Script’s The Man Who Can’t Be Moved was a good choice for you, but your voice is so, intoxicating, I love it.

Florence and the Machine’s Dog Days Are Over has oomph, and Vicci really got our hearts racing with her performance. I didn’t like the song personally, but you did an amazing job and had The Client mesmerized.

22.06.2011 The Voice No Comments

Memory Lane

On Facebook, we have “friends” that we have never met. We have “friends” that are co-workers, neighbors, people we see and talk to everyday (away from the computer). We “friend” our families (scary thought). But we also have “friends” that we haven’t seen or spoken with in years.

We remember that first crush, how cute they were, how much fun you had together, and you look them up. They have a private profile so you “friend” them to see how they’re doing, married, kids, not the same person you remember having the crush on as a kid. I have one such “friend.”

I remember how much I liked him, but he was a good friend of mine. As I started my pre-teen and early teen years our hormones were raging. I had moved away at that point but we promised our virginity to each other. Well I did, he was only saying it to make me happy. I didn’t see him again until I was 16. Neither of us still had our innocence but we were able to talk like we were still the best of friends.

I saw him again a year later. He had had a party the night before, was a little hung over, and a different person than I had remembered from only a year earlier. The last time I saw him, I was in the neighborhood, dropping a friend’s kid off at a birthday party, drove a few blocks over to his old house, he still lived there.

We spoke for maybe 10 minutes, I told him I was going to be graduating college soon. I was looking to move to Florida once my friend found a place, she was moving in less than a week. He said his girlfriend would freak if she saw him talking to me. A woman running his life like that; not the boy I had remembered.

I graduated with an amazing  job offer in Idaho. I never saw him again. Now six years later, I, myself, am married, run my own company, and am a very different person than the child I once was. A few months ago while I was debating with a friend regarding who had seen the biggest cock. I remembered this old friend, because still to this day I have never seen a bigger (no I never did have sex with him) dick.

I started remembering about the last time I saw him, how troubled he seemed, I decided to look him up. And where did I search? Why Facebook of course. I sent him a friend request, reminding him who I was and how I knew him. He accepted and we exchanged no more than three emails, catching up. Our lives are very different now than they were as children. Deep down, I am still the same odd child that everyone teased, I still suck at spelling, and my self-esteem hasn’t improved much. I still have a hyper-sex drive, and I still hate monogamous relationships. He on the other hand, I don’t see that same little boy.

Today, like almost everyday, I got on Facebook and started skimming down my news feed. This boy had posted a picture he had found of himself, what he looked like 6 years ago. On a separate post, he did a trip down memory lane quiz. Most of his friends all mentioned, drinking. I remember very clearly a memory of him.

I had spent the night at a friend’s house and during the night my bra had gone missing. The next morning we were playing in the basement with the boy I am talking about. We were in a play room area and this boy was under the plastic Little Tykes play gym thing. There he found my missing bra.

We were in the sixth grade, maybe fifth, it was a green bra, size B. He playfully teased me because he had “proof” I had the biggest hooters in school. I remember laughing and having to fight with him over it so I could put it back on. Life was so innocent, so easy, so back then.

I don’t miss my childhood as a whole, I’m still in therapy because of it. But sometimes, there are little memories, that make you smile.

17.06.2011 Zqueakz Speakz No Comments

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